Chapter Text
chapter fifteen
Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… anything can happen, child. Anything can be.
- Shel Silverstein
Something that Maya has always liked about Dr. Olsen’s office is the view outside her window.
There's a light drizzle going on now, light enough that it’s almost imperceptible to the naked eye but still heavy enough to get her clothes irritatingly soaked through. It’s been twenty minutes since she managed to escape it though so she's much closer to dry now than she was before. Maya is doubly glad that Dr. Olsen gave her the okay to take off her socks and shoes to let them dry out because the thought of spending an entire hour with dampened footwear did not sound particularly appealing.
Wriggling her toes over the carpeted floor, Maya watches the sprinkle of rain from the comfort of Dr. Olsen’s couch and the warmth of her office. She’s not avoiding Dr. Olsen’s gaze on purpose. It's just something about watching the rain that Maya has always found calming, and makes it easier to tell Dr. Olsen about the phone calls—yes, phone calls—that Carina has been making to her.
“So she's been calling you?”
She reluctantly pulls her attention away from the window to Dr. Olsen's patient stare. “Not every night, but yeah.”
She can't tell yet what Dr. Olsen thinks about it, her face perfectly unreadable to her. The most that Maya can see is the little thoughtful crease between her eyebrows.
“What do you talk about?” she asks, quietly curious.
Maya shrugs, spreading her fingers over her knees as she tries her best to ignore the growing heat in her ears. “I, um, I do most of the talking actually.”
A knowing and teasing smirk stretches at Dr. Olsen’s lips lets her know that the warmth in her cheeks are fully flushed and on display. “Oh, you’re the chatty one? What a concept,” she wryly remarks.
She shoots her a mild glare. “You're hilarious.”
Dr. Olsen chuckles, briefly wearing a snarky grin on her face before it changes into something a little more serious. “But still, how has that been going for you?”
At hearing that, Maya redirects her gaze back to the window. In the distance. There are passersby trying to walk briskly through the rain, doing their best to escape it as fast as they can. She sighs, hoping that those driving through this won't turn careless. Even with a little bit of rain like this seems to make nervous drivers out of so many usually good ones.
“I don't really know how to really describe it,” she starts to reply. “It’s wonderful and it's confusing, and it makes me feel… hopeful?” Maya shakes her head at her own uncertainty. “I shouldn't let myself get carried away.”
“Why not?”
Her head whips around, surprised by Dr. Olsen’s question. “Just because she’s reaching out, it shouldn't mean anything,” she rationalizes. “It doesn't have to.”
Dr. Olsen searches her face with a deeply scrutinizing expression that Maya almost feels like squirming in her seat. “Is that really what you think, or is that you trying to protect yourself?”
Maya lets out a heavy sigh. She should have known that there was no fooling Dr. Olsen, and she really shouldn’t have even tried to pretend otherwise. But there’s such a difference between acknowledging the truth of the matter and having to hear it said out loud, and so plainly.
She has been doing her best to not think about how she feels about this entire thing, to not wonder why Carina keeps calling her late into the night. She hasn’t even told anyone else about this, not even Gabriella. To talk about it means having to face the reality of what it could actually mean, and then to wonder just how long it will actually last.
“It can’t be both?” Maya tries to joke.
An understanding smile crosses Dr. Olsen's face, more than used to Maya's tendency to deflect and joke. “But you said it yourself, Maya. She is reaching out. Tentatively, but she is still doing it,” she gently points out. “How can it not mean something? Don't you want to know?”
“I do,” she insists earnestly. “I just don't—I don’t want…”
“To spook her?” Dr. Olsen finishes for her.
A fearful frown takes over Maya's face. “I don't want her to pull away, and I don’t—I don’t think I’m ready to break whatever’s going on just yet, not until I get some kind of a sign or something.”
Dr. Olsen slowly nods. “Okay,” she replies, turning the page of her notebook as she continues to jot down her notes. “So what do you talk about?”
“Reading about new fire protocols counts as talking, right?” Maya asks, wearing a lopsided grin.
An arched eyebrow of disbelief is Dr. Olsen's response. “And she has managed to stay awake through most of that?”
Her mouth drops open. “Are you moonlighting as a comedian or something?” Maya deadpans.
Dr. Olsen huffs out a soft laugh. “Maya, I have read the articles you sent to me and ‘stimulated’ is not something I’d describe as how I felt while reading them. Even my sister-in-law passed out after half a page and she lives to read this stuff.”
A fierce heat rises up the back of her neck. “They're educational!” Maya defensively claims, crossing her arms to her chest. “Learning can be very stimulating.”
“I’m just saying, Maya,” Dr. Olsen replies, her smile placating but still slightly amused, “doesn't it seem kind of like a big deal that Carina does manage to stay awake through that?”
Maya stares at Dr. Olsen, gobsmacked.
“Oh.”
She rolls her eyes when she notices the expression on Dr. Olsen's face change. “Oh, don’t look so smug. It doesn't suit you.”
“That’s not what my wife said.”
---
It surprises Carina that it's only nearly midday by the time she and Jo walk out of Chief Bailey's office.
There is a weird mix of feelings swirling around inside her as she walks beside Jo, who is in the midst of hyperventilation. “Are you okay?” she asks, ignoring the complicated mess going on in her head and focusing on her concern that Jo might actually faint on her.
Jo’s wide and panicked eyes are suddenly on her. “I just—I can't believe you want me to replace you. I mean, I know it's not happening yet but it's still kind of unreal, and kind of—not that I can ever replace you because you're amazing and I—I haven't even been in OB for that long! Oh man, I'm gonna suck so bad.”
Carina is still trying to catch up to everything within Jo’s ramble that she almost doesn't notice that they're already back on the OB floor until they're stepping off the elevator.
She was glad that Chief Bailey didn’t disagree with her choice of replacement. It might seem hasty especially since Jo is still currently learning. But with the current exodus of doctors and nurses resigning, not just from the hospital but from the profession entirely, Chief Bailey seemed much more keen on having somebody she already knew she could trust. It probably helped that Carina offered a few other suggestions along the way.
She unlocks the door to her office once they reach it. “That’s why Dr. Forbes-Montgomery will be here to teach you, so that you will not ‘suck’.”
“Oh god,” Jo groans, throwing herself onto Carina's office couch. “I feel like I’m going to hurl again.”
She rolls her eyes at her friend’s dramatic antics as she goes to take a seat at her desk. “Jo, you will be fine,” she reassures her. “I've told you: Addison is not as scary as she looks, and she will look very scary.”
Carina smirks a little at the thought of Jo meeting Addison and feels a little sad that she won't be here to see it all happen. Calling Addison for a favor to take over mentoring Jo was much easier than Carina expected since they hadn't seen each other since that one conference they attended years before she ever thought about moving to Seattle.
But despite the years that have been missed, Addison largely remains the same as she always was, kind and so very gracious. It felt nice being able to catch up and not have to explain anything about car accidents and memory losses and dead brothers and ex-girlfriends.
“That really isn't as comforting as you think it is,” Jo grumbles, pouting up at the ceiling.
She laughs. “You will learn a lot from her.”
“I’ve learned a lot from you,” Jo replies, turning to give Carina a warm smile now that she has calmed down. “Really, Carina, I don't know how to thank you.”
Carina shakes her head. It has been wonderful being able to teach Jo everything she knows, and in turn, Jo has become her friend. “You can thank me by not sucking,” she tells her with a teasing glare. “And we still have a little bit of time for me to show you more things.”
“Thank god for that.”
---
It’s near the end of shift when there's a firm knock on her office door.
“Come in, Sullivan,” she calls out when she sees him through the blinds.
He comes in with a questioning look on his face, pausing slightly when he notices the other person in the room. He clears his throat and stands up straighter as he brings his attention back to her. “Captain Bishop, you called me for a meeting?”
It's barely noticeable—the way his face shifts to hide his thoughts and his feelings. If somebody isn't paying attention. But after that first time when Chief Ross made her first visit a couple of days ago, Maya decided that today she needs to.
The day that Chief made her first visit to the station, Maya wasn't worried. But she was still nervous enough about making the best first impression. That made her extra attentive to every move and every micro-facial expression that the Chief made. And maybe it's nothing, and Maya could even be wrong, but she swears that there had been a moment while the Chief was going down the line-up.
The closer the Chief got to Sullivan, Maya remembered the conversation she had with Andy about them. About whether they knew each other.
The Chief was better about straightening her face when her eyes met Sullivan’s but Maya was paying close enough attention to see it. The way the Chief's face softened ever so slightly at seeing him. Maya wasn't paying attention to Sullivan so she couldn't say what he was feeling.
It is why she’s glad for the opportunity that fell into her lap when the Chief called yesterday and asked for a meeting, and to also extend that invitation to Sullivan. What else can this meeting be for, if it isn't to disclose something about who they are to each other?
She gestures towards the Chief who is sitting in her chair, having offered it when she first arrived earlier. “Actually, it was the Chief who asked me to call you in, so… Chief?”
She watches the Chief get up from her chair. “Sullivan, I’m not going to waste our time with a little speech. I’m promoting you to Lieutenant.”
Maya can probably count the number of times that she has seen Sullivan speechless on one hand. She can add this very moment to that number and it'd still be the one hand. To his credit, he quickly recovers. “I—thank you, Chief.”
Chief Ross nods. “You should have been promoted a long time ago, Sullivan.”
His eyes quickly dart between her and the Chief, and Maya immediately recognizes it as a look that's telling someone to be careful about what they're saying. He nods in an attempt for modesty but Maya isn't sure who he's trying to fool.
She turns her attention back to the Chief. “Captain Bishop, thank you for letting me use your office for this.”
She gives her a deferential nod. “It’s not a problem at all, Chief,” she replies, following her as she makes her way to the door and opening it for her. “Your office will be ready for you next time you come back.”
“Thank you,” Chief Ross murmurs, nodding at both her and Sullivan before leaving the office.
When she sees Sullivan about to leave, she holds a hand out to stop him. “Sullivan, stay back for a bit?”
Though he nods, a frown also crosses his face. “What do you need, Cap?”
Maya goes to sit at the edge of her desk, crossing her arms to her chest. She’s trying to figure out how to tackle this conversation without seeming too aggressive about it. She doesn't want Sullivan thinking like she's going to be a problem for either him or Chief when all Maya is trying to do is make sure that they won't be a problem for the station.
But there's no other real way to go about this then face forward. She lets out a big sigh. “The truth.”
His frown deepens. “Cap?”
She gets to her feet, sliding her hands into her pockets as she strides towards him. “I’m just going to come out with it because we've been through a lot together and you deserve that from me.”
Maya searches his face, continuing when he finally nods. “I know that there is something between you and Chief Ross. And don’t—” she holds up her hand when she sees him about to interrupt her, “don’t bother lying. You act weird around her, and for you, that’s saying a lot.”
She gives him time to process everything she just told him. Maya can already tell that he's trying to decide whether to lie or to tell her the truth. She can tell from the wary expression that he’s trying to decide what her angle is. After all, this is exactly the kind of information that a person could use to climb up the ranks, and she can bet that he's wondering whether that's what she wants.
It isn't. At least, not just yet.
But Maya knows that it’s a possibility that's crossing his mind because he has always understood her ambition the best and the hunger that continues to drive it. He understands it because he shares that same hunger too.
“Are you going to tell Andy?” he asks, taking Maya by surprise. It's not an outright confirmation but it's not a denial either.
Maya shakes her head. “I’m not asking as your ex-wife’s best friend. I’m asking as your Captain because god knows, we don’t need another scandal in our hands.”
“It’s not a scandal to know your boss outside of work,” he tries to protest. “Or I guess, boss’ boss.”
She scoffs. “It is a scandal when you’re trying really hard to hide it.” Maya rolls her eyes when he only stubbornly stares back at her. “Look, Sullivan, I don’t need to know why you two decided that was the best idea but I can tell you that it's really not. And I don’t know how Andy will feel about it or if she will even care—but you know very well how secrets don’t stay secrets in this station,” she reminds him, and she can see how that seems to sink in for him.
“But she just gave me a promotion. Won’t it already be bad if it comes out now?”
Maya shrugs. “A Chief promoting one of their friends isn’t exactly breaking news.”
A dark scowl crosses his face at her reply, his posture growing more impossibly rigid. “Chief Ross is nothing like them.”
She tries to hold back her chuckle, not wanting to anger him. There's no way he can hide something like this if this is already how he's acting. “I don’t share your knowledge on Chief Ross, so excuse me for saying that we will just have to wait and see if she is different.”
“And I’m not saying that you need to broadcast that you’re friends, or even share anything about your history. Just don’t pretend that there isn’t one,” she continues. “I can advise you from my own personal experience that that never ends well for anybody.”
He frowns, obviously confused by what she means. But she and Sullivan aren’t friends so he doesn’t need to know about how she acquired that bit of wisdom. He doesn't need to know that the consequences of that one decision is something she's living with now. He doesn't need to know any of that.
“I will talk to her about it.”
She nods, satisfied with his response. Whatever the outcome of that conversation between Chief Ross and Sullivan, Maya knows she can't control it. But they're both adults and she has done all that she can.
“Do you want me to tell Andy?” she offers.
He shakes his head. “I will tell her myself.”
---
Carina will never understand how it is that the front door to the apartment continues to get stuck mid-swing despite how many times she has kicked it open like she’s trying to scores a goal.
But then again, she does also forget to actually get it fixed.
Once inside, she dumps her bags and her jacket onto the couch before going straight to the kitchen. Too tired to cook, she pulls out a jar of strawberry preserves, humming quietly as she brings it over to the counter so that she can make her sandwich.
She pulls open the cabinet, reaching up to take out a wine glass. Carina pauses then, her fingers slightly curling back before she decidedly grabs a second glass. She pours a small amount of wine and brings it over to the mantel in the living room, placing the glass between the two pictures.
A wistful smile pulls at her lips at seeing Andrea's smiling face as she wipes off the bit of dust at the corner of his picture frame.
“It is almost time to go back, fratellino,” she softly whispers. She turns to her mother's picture. “Just a few more weeks, mamma.”
Lowering her gaze, Carina breathes out a quiet sigh. She turns around to make her way back to the kitchen to grab her own glass of wine and sandwich.
As she sits down on the couch, she pulls her phone from her bag. Taking a generous bite of her sandwich, Carina starts to scroll down her contacts, tapping on Gabriella’s name when she finds it. While she waits for Gabriella to pick up her call, she finally takes off her boots, tossing them to the side once she's done.
She’s taking another bite of her sandwich when her call finally gets picked up. Carina listens in amusem*nt to the following sounds of hurried movements accompanied by her best friend's cursing.
“Pronto,” Gabriella groggily mumbles.
Carina snorts when she sees that Gabriella has accidentally changed it to a video call and she can see the ceiling of Gabriella's bedroom. From the wild mess of hair covering half of the screen, Gabriella must have her phone on the bed with her.
“Shouldn’t you already be awake by now?” she asks, standing her phone up on the coffee table.
“Carina?” Gabriella croaks out. The screen gets shaky before suddenly Gabriella’s face fills it, her eyes squinting from the brightness. “Why are you calling me at—” she pauses to presumably check the time before letting out a string of curses. Carina then finds herself at the receiving end of a very heated though very sleepy glare. “Tell me why I shouldn't hang up right now.”
“I bought my plane ticket earlier today,” she tells her.
Gabriella is quietly stunned while she chews on the last bit of her sandwich. “Ticket to fly back to Italy?” she asks.
She gives Gabriella a strange look. “Where else am I going?”
“Nowhere,” Gabriella quickly replies, running her hand over her face. “I’m sorry. I am still waking up because somebody woke me up at 5 in the morning.”
She chuckles, unrepentant. “You have a day off today, no?”
“That doesn't mean you can wake me up in the early hours of the day,” her best friend grumbles before rolling her eyes. “Allora, do you know where you're staying when you get here?” When Carina doesn't answer right away, Gabriella’s face softens. “You can stay with me, if you want.”
“Will that be okay?” she asks, biting down on her bottom lip as she grabs her phone off the table. “I am having the things I am bringing back sent to my father’s house but I don't want to risk seeing him so soon.”
Gabriella nods. “You know that you are always welcome in my home, and I will have everything ready for you by the time you arrive.”
She gives her best friend a relieved smile. She isn't sure where her father is going to be by the time she arrives back. She has left him many messages asking him and also letting him know about her impending arrival. But still, nothing.
“Thank you,” she softly murmurs.
“Are you nervous about coming home?”
She huffs out a breath. Nervous barely begins to cover what she feels about going back to Italy. There are a lot of people and a lot of places that she hasn't met and seen in a long time.
And, home? Is she going home?
Carina leans over to pick up her wine glass. She thinks about topping it up but has no desire to get off the couch just yet so she rests back against the cushions. “I know that I haven't been back in almost five years but to me, it's only been one.”
Gabriella nods in understanding. “It doesn't really matter how long you have been gone, tesoro. Only that you have been.”
“I guess you are right,” she murmurs.
“Of course, I am,” her best friend wittily replies. “Even half-awake, I am brilliant.”
Her eyes narrow. “Maybe you need more sleep. You are saying ridiculous things.”
“Oh, now you are worried about my sleeping.”
“Goodnight Gabriella,” she calls out.
Just as she is about to end the call, Gabriella quickly asks, “are you going to call her again?”
“Who?” she asks, giving her best friend what she hopes comes off as an innocent look.
Gabriella arches her eyebrow at her, giving Carina a knowing stare. “Who else would I be asking about?”
“I don't know—but so what if I do?”
Her best friend's eyebrows lift up higher, taken aback by her defensiveness. “I was only asking a very simple question, Carina,” she quietly utters.
Carina shakes her head. “No, you weren't. When it comes to Maya, it is never just ‘very simple’.” She sighs. “Has she said anything about this? About what she feels?”
“She doesn't need to tell me anything,” Gabriella tells her. “I can see it written all over her face.”
She swallows down her resentment at the confidence in Gabriella’s voice, the confidence in knowing Maya so well. “But you are not going to tell me, are you?”
Gabriella shakes her head. “I love you both very much, and I am not getting in between something that you can work on yourselves.” Her best friend goes to lay back down on her pillow. “And Carina? You don't need me to tell you how to read Maya’s face.”
“Even if you don't remember, you will know how,” she reassures her.
As she takes in the great measure of Gabriella's words, Carina sighs.
“Buonanotte Gabrie,” she whispers before ending the call.
---
One thing Maya has realized about being Captain is that there are apparently a lot of meetings to attend.
She can't really remember if Captain Pruitt or even Sullivan having to go to as many as she has, but it all still feels like a lot. But today's meeting is an especially important one that she definitely wouldn't have wanted to miss.
She shoots Andy a warm smile when she sees her best friend approaching her just as she's about to enter the station. “Hey, the meeting isn't for another half hour.”
Andy wears a crooked grin as she shrugs. “I figured you'd already be here and it's been awhile since I've seen everybody else.”
She arches her eyebrow at her in amusem*nt. “You were literally with us at Joe’s the other day.”
“Shut up,” Andy grumbles, playfully shoving her away through the opened door. “I mean that I haven't seen them here.”
Maya snorts at the dirty look her best friend gives her, going straight into her office to drop off her backpack and get changed in her bunk. Andy follows closely behind, taking a seat at her desk.
“I hope you're not hungry,” she calls out to Andy while she pulls on her trousers. She grabs her shirt before walking out of her bunk. “It’s Larrson’s turn to make breakfast.”
Andy’s face immediately turns nauseated before she quickly recovers to meet Maya’s amused gaze. “Y'know what, I’m not even that hungry.”
And of course, that is when Andy’s stomach decides to growl so loudly that Maya pauses in the middle of buttoning up her shirt.
Both of them lower their eyes to Andy’s stomach before looking back up to meet each other. At Andy’s sheepish shrug, Maya can't help but laugh, shaking her head as she does so. “Come on, maybe we can make something edible for you.”
She’s fully-buttoned up with her shirt tucked in by the time they finally walk out of her office to join the others in the beanery. “Hey guys, look who’s joining us for breakfast.”
A soft smile pulls at Maya’s lips, watching the way her best friend's face brightens at the cheerful reception from the team.
“Larrson brought bagels for breakfast,” Jack announces excitedly with a mouthful of bagel already in his mouth.
“Oh, thank god,” she hears Andy mutter under her breath.
It's an hour later, after breakfast has been consumed and she, Andy, Jack and Ben are back in her office. She can see the growing curiosity on Andy's face ever since Jack and Ben followed them from the beanery. Just as she can also see the nervous looks on both their faces, not wanting to be the first to broach the subject of why they wanted to meet with Andy.
Maya rolls her eyes. Men.
“So Andy,” she starts, and she watches as all three turn to look at her, “Jack and Ben have an idea that they want to run by you.”
Ben quickly points to Jack. “Oh, well, it’s more his idea than mine…”
Jack shakes his head, not wanting to take all the credit. “But we came up with the plan together.”
“Only because you asked—”
“Guys,” Maya loudly and very firmly interrupts, knowing that if she doesn't break it up, they will not stop. The last time she was in a room with them, she managed to finish two incident reports before they eventually remembered what they were initially there to tell her. She gives them a stern look. “Just tell Andy your idea. We really don't care who says it.”
She watches Jack and Ben exchange a look before Jack finally nods then turns to Andy. “Okay, so we've been talking about opening up a free clinic, y'know, one that can be open to the public and we can have it here at the station.”
A warm smile grows on Andy's face that seems to help Jack to look a little more relaxed. “That sounds like a great idea. Do you need 23 to get involved too?”
He quickly nods. “If you want 23 to get involved too, that would be amazing but—but the reason we asked you here is… kinda more personal than that.”
Andy’s eyebrows knit in confusion. “What do you mean?”
Jack seems to hesitate here, unsure on how to phrase his request. When Maya catches his eyes, she gives him a reassuring nod. He nods back before letting out a deep breath and facing Andy once again. “Would it be okay… if we named the clinic after your dad?”
Maya closely watches her best friend’s face as she registers Jack’s question. The shock and disbelief on Andy's face is expected, just as the look of being deeply moved is as well. She knew that Andy would be and she told Jack and Ben that too, but she's more than glad to see that Andy didn't prove her wrong.
“Are you serious?” Andy asks in a broken whisper.
This is when Ben decides to speak up once it's clear that Jack himself is struggling to give Andy any kind of answer. He places a comforting hand on Jack’s shoulder. “He meant a lot to all of us, and it—it feels right to name it after him, doesn’t it?”
Andy nods, chewing on her bottom lip. “Yeah, it does.”
“So, you’re okay with that idea?” Jack asks.
“I am very okay with it,” Andy replies, giving him a trembling smile.
Maya lets out a discreet breath, relieved and grateful that Jack got the outcome that he had been hoping for. After he first came to her about starting up a clinic, he had been very dogged and determined to get it going. She hadn't seen him so passionate about something in a very long time and Maya didn't realize just how happy it would make her to see him like that again.
She can see from Andy’s face that she's feeling the same way too. And now everyone in her office is incredibly misty-eyed.
She clears her throat. “Alright you guys, you know what you need to do now. Go and get your presentation ready for the Chief.”
Jack quickly gets to his feet; Ben follows suit at a more sedate pace. “Thanks Cap. Thanks Andy—Captain Herrera.” He chuckles softly. “Sorry, still getting used to that.”
Andy gives him a reassuring smile, shaking her head. “It's okay. I am too.”
“Are you okay?” she asks once both men have left her office and it's just her and Andy left now. While Maya has been setting up her work for the day, her best friend has been sitting quietly and thinking very loudly.
“Yeah,” Andy sighs heavily. She gives Maya a sad smile. “My dad would have really loved the idea of a free clinic. If he were here, he’d probably be kicking himself right now that he didn't think of it first,” Andy softly chuckles, an affectionate smile on her lips. She sits up in her chair then. “Anything you need from 23, just let me know.”
Maya nods at the offer. Having another station willing to help would go a long way with convincing the Chief. “Thanks for coming in. I know you were planning to see your mom today.”
“Yeah, that’s where I’m headed after this,” Andy tells her. “So, Robert told me something interesting yesterday and I can't believe you didn't tell me.”
Her eyebrows lift in surprise. Maya wasn't expecting Sullivan to have told Andy so soon after their conversation the other day. “Oh?”
Andy gives her a funny look. “Yeah, he’s been promoted back to Lieutenant?”
Maya fights everything inside herself to not react at the fact that Sullivan absolutely did not tell Andy about him and the Chief. “Oh, yeah. That… happened.”
She turns her attention to her tablet to avoid Andy’s gaze. But Maya can already tell that her less-than-enthusiastic response piqued at Andy’s curious nature. “You don't agree with it?”
She immediately shakes her head in protest. “Oh no, no. He, um, he earned that promotion.”
Just as he is earning every bit of angry cursing that Maya is yelling in her head, and just because he understands it, she's cursing him in Italian too. Gabriella would have been proud.
She can feel Andy’s eyes on her, trying to see what it is that Maya is doing a really bad job at hiding.
“There was something else he was supposed to tell me, wasn't there?”
She chews on her bottom lip, cautiously peering up from the screen to meet Andy’s gaze. “It's his thing to tell, Andy,” she replies, not wanting to outright lie to her best friend but also not wanting to betray Sullivan’s confidence either. She can only hope that Andy will understand. “He said that he would.”
“Okay.”
Her eyes widen at Andy’s very short reply. “‘Okay’? Really?”
Andy chuckles. “Oh, I’m not happy about it. But if he said he's going to tell me, he will eventually.”
Maya shrugs. “Sorry.”
A worried look crosses Andy’s face. “Will I hate what he's going to tell me?”
She shakes her head. “I don't think so. Unless you still have feelings for him.”
“No.”
“Then you'll be fine,” Maya tells her. “And if you're not, I’m only a phone call away.”
Andy gives her a grateful smile. “Thanks, Maya.”
---
The view outside Arthur’s window is so dark and so gloomy that nobody could have guessed that it's only mid-morning.
Rain begins to fall.
It makes Carina shiver a little to see it, anticipating having to drive through that weather back to her apartment after her session. She’s not a panicky driver but seeing the way other people drive around does make her feel incredibly nervous. She wonders just how heavy the rain will be today.
The flash of lightning and ensuing crack of thunder make her heart jump a little.
“Hopefully that'll let up by the time you get out of here, huh?”
She looks away from the window to meet Arthur’s blue eyes, nodding. “Yes. I don't really like driving through the rain.”
He glances thoughtfully over at the window, and as if on cue, the downpour intensifies, falling so hard and loudly that she almost misses his question. “Have you ever read about people who chase storms and tornadoes?” he asks, turning back to her as he leans back against his chair. “Not like this one but much bigger than this.”
“Storms can get bigger than this?” she asks in utter disbelief. She shudders at the booming skies. “Why would people want to do that?”
He gives her an amused grin. “Not a closet storm chaser then?”
“Absolutely not.” Carina shakes her head. “There is nothing in the world that can make me drive through that,” she adamantly claims, pointing to the now-raging storm outside. “I would not even walk through it.”
Arthur arches his eyebrow at her. “I hate to tell you this but the office closes at 6, so unless you're planning to sleep on my couch, you're going to have to eventually leave to get back to the apartment.”
She shrugs nonchalantly. “The cafe is open 24/7.”
He chuckles, shaking his head. Arthur clears his throat. “So, you’ve bought your ticket to go back home.”
She grimaces as she purses her lips, quickly subdued by the question. Carina nods jerkily in response. “I will be going back in over a month or so.”
“So would you like to continue our sessions until you go home?”
She starts to answer that yes, she would very much like that when he interrupts, a curious look crossing his face. “Why do you do that?”
Carina frowns, confused by what he's referring to. “Do what?”
He stares at her for a long moment while Carina does her best to not look away, still wondering what he could have meant. “I’ve noticed you do that a lot. When I say ‘home’, you make a face like I’m saying the wrong thing,” he quietly observes.
He leans forward, resting his elbows on his knees, his eyebrows knitting together.
“Is Sicily not home?” he softly asks.
Her mouth opens, too stunned to come up with an answer.
“I—it's complicated,” she just about manages to say.
“If only you were going to therapy for it,” he replies dryly.
She shoots him a mild glare but he stares back, unaffected by it. Eventually Carina lets out a heavy breath, briefly lowering her gaze.
“Home is… home is just hard to talk about,” she carefully murmurs.
When she glances back up to meet Arthur’s eyes, she finds only understanding in them. “Well, where better to unpack all of that than here? And I am awesome at unpacking.”
She softly chuckles at his attempt to lighten the mood, giving him a thankful smile. Carina sighs, turning her thoughts to the subject at hand. “Sicily—it stopped feeling like a home after Andrea and my mother left. After that, it became more like… a place where I grew up.”
“But you had your relatives too, didn't you?”
She smiles wistfully at the thought of her aunts, her uncles, her grandparents, and all the other people that surrounded her while she was growing up. All the people that did all they could to make sure she didn't lack in familial affection. “I did and I am always so grateful that they did their best to help raise me. I just—I don't think home is meant to be a place that I desperately want to leave.”
Carina bites down on her bottom lip, her chest aching so painfully with guilt. That was always one of the hardest things to deal with; the fact that even with all of them taking good care of her, it still wasn't enough. They weren't who she wanted there with her. They weren't who she wanted to be with. She thinks that maybe they all knew that too, and it still didn't stop them from trying.
“I get that,” Arthur softly replies. “But where has home been since you left Sicily?”
Time and distance has taught Carina a lot more about what home could possibly mean, of where home could be found. That maybe home isn't just a place. Maybe home can be found in people too.
Maybe home can be found in her grandmother's weathered hands teaching her how to knead pasta dough. Or in the beauty of her mother's smile whenever she saw her and Andrea playing together. Or in the freedom of Andrea’s laughter every time she made a funny face at him.
But none of them are in Sicily. Or anywhere anymore really. So where else can home be?
“I guess…” Carina weakly shrugs, “it has been in my friends.”
Arthur quietly hums. “No romantic partner?”
She shakes her head. “You know that I haven't really been with anybody long enough for that.” She chews thoughtfully on her bottom lip, staring out the window just as a bolt of lightning crosses the sky. “I don't know if Arizona was. She probably could have been if she hadn't left for New York.”
She closes her eyes at the following clap of thunder, already anticipating Arthur’s next question.
“And Maya?”
A ragged sigh escapes her at the careful way that Arthur says Maya’s name.
There is still so very little that she knows about their previous relationship, about what they meant to each other. All that Carina really knows is how Maya has made her feel since they met in the hospital, how Maya has made her feel since she learned the truth.
Did she find home in Maya?
“I wouldn't know,” she answers just as softly.
Arthur stares at her for a long moment and she can tell that he wants to keep asking but then he shakes his head. “What about yourself?”
“What do you mean?” she asks.
“I mean that,” he lets out a sigh, resting back into his chair, “when you're born, you are the first person that you meet and for as long you've been alive, you are the one person that has never left you.”
“So why can't home be made and found within yourself?”
“Can I really do that?” she asks.
“I don't know, Carina,” he quietly replies, a meaningful expression on his face. “Can you?”
Outside, the storm continues.
---
One of Maya’s favorite things about having learned how to cook from Gabriella is that now she has learned to make bread from scratch.
And not just any bread, but the same kind of bread that Carina used to make for them. It's still not French toast but it's something.
The strenuous process of working with dough by hand is also particularly satisfying. And now that she's much more confident with it, she tends to find herself going into something close to a meditative state. Her attention is fully on the dough in her hands but her mind doesn't stop wandering.
The pouring of rain outside is heavy and loud as she continues to work in the kitchen. She’s glad that she got home in time from her shift before it started really coming down. Andy is supposed to be coming over soon so they can have lunch together. It’s been a couple of days since Andy officially moved out the last box of her things to her new place.
A sigh escapes her, thinking about her now former roommate.
They always knew Andy’s stay was going to be temporary but somehow it doesn't stop the keen sense of loss from missing Andy’s presence in the apartment. It's not even that they were always together in the apartment but it's different in knowing that it's just Maya on her own now.
So right before she left Andy’s new place, they promised each other a sit-down meal every week, no matter what.
She isn't sure how much time has passed since she started but it's a loud knock on her door that pulls her out of her stupor. Maya immediately frowns, confused by the sound of it. Andy knows to just come right in, that there’s no need for her to knock at all just because she moved out. Even when she tried giving Maya back her key, Maya refused it, adamant that Andy keep it.
She taps her phone with her knuckle, her eyes widening in shock at seeing how much time has passed by since she started working on the dough. The knocking continues, louder this time and it finally propels Maya to actually move, quickly washing her hands and grabbing a kitchen towel to wipe them before rushing towards the door.
She quickly checks herself in the mirror and inwardly groans at how much of a mess she looks. But there's nothing she can do about that aside from hastily brushing her still-damp fingers through her hair just as she's reaching to open the door. Whoever it is, is just going to have to deal with seeing her rumpled and completely dusted with flour.
Taking a deep breath, she pulls the door open only for that same breath to catch in her throat at the sight of Carina, drenched from head to toe, standing in her doorway.
“Carina?” she squeaks, her cheeks blushing hot at the high-pitch tone of her voice.
Can anybody blame her though? Out of all the things that Maya expected to happen today; Andy showing up for lunch and they get a little stupid drunk; FaceTiming with her mother; hell, Maya even thought that maybe she'd get a workout somewhere in there too.
But Carina showing up unannounced?
Absolutely did not expect that. Maya would have bet that there was a better chance of her dad showing up. Or even her brother.
Yet, Carina is here, proving her wrong.
And so Maya stares at her, struck so dumb by Carina's presence that she can't think of anything to say. Luckily for her though, Carina doesn't seem to have that problem.
“Hi,” Carina softly murmurs.
